Jessica Sporn

Disposable Lives, II

2008-05-04T11:17:00.004-04:00

Last night, I was talking to a friend about our "disposable lives." One of the things I do is design ceramic gifts and dining ware, that are manufactured in China and sold at low price points in big-box stores and gift shops. Lately, I've been questioning the merit of this work. In the age of Target and WalMart, we can afford to change our dishes, get new tchotchkes, sell old ones or put them

Angels In The Hallways

2008-05-04T10:44:00.004-04:00

On Friday night, the Ridgewood Avenue School (RAS) hosted a "Global Expo," featuring singing and dancing from around the world in the auditorium, a "Parade of Nations," with kids dressed up in clothes that reflected their heritage, and crafts and food from around the globe. There were many different cultures being celebrated in my town, which at first glance seems white and homogenized. At one

Nikky Found

2008-04-14T22:32:00.000-04:00

After nearly two weeks of not having seen Nikky, I began to think I might not see her again. After all, her family had no real reason to let me know her whereabouts. I tried to breath through my feelings of loss, and think back, instead, about how much I have learned from knowing her. But tonight, Nikky's daughter-in-law, Rita, called to let me know that Nikky is in a new residence, not far

Where's Nikky?

2008-04-07T09:31:00.005-04:00

I visited Nikky a few times in the hospital during the week she was there. Each time, she was more and more herself. The last time I was there, two of her granddaughters were there too. To them, she was not herself at all, and probably has not been for quite some time. To me, she was my angel, my "paysan," again. The last time I went, she had just been discharged, and I don't know where she

Hindsight and Foresight

2008-04-07T09:20:00.004-04:00

I almost never like pictures of myself at the time they are taken. The "me" that looks out of my eyes is in many ways the "me" from photos taken in high school and college, but with all of the wisdom of the 20 years since then. So I am always taken by surprise with the crinkles, wrinkles, and chronic fatigue that I see in new photos. I've noticed, however, that when I look at a photo from a

Disposable Lives

2008-03-25T10:05:00.006-04:00

Today while searching for my reading glasses, I was struck by the disposable nature of our lives. My initial thought when I couldn't find the glasses was, "time to go on ebay and get some more." This is what I do periodically -- order about 10 pairs of readers and wear them until I've lost the last one. This means that in my house, car or the Costume Shop, there are about 40 pairs of glasses

Gains and Losses

2008-03-21T21:17:00.005-04:00

I have seen Nikki three times since my trip to Tulum. Each time, she was less present than the time before. She hasn't walked since before Christmas. She has been taking her meals in bed or in her chair, rarely leaving her room. When I visited on Friday, she seemed only an echo of herself -- barely acknowledging me, not responding to any of the usual songs or conversation that would

Holy Beings All Around Us

2008-03-09T21:58:00.003-04:00

In Mexico, there were men who cleaned the seaweed from the beach each morning. Beginning at dawn, they would sweep the beach, making clumps of seaweed, and then load the seaweed into wheelbarrows and walk the wheelbarrows down the beach, dump the seaweed, and come back for another load. All morning, they wheeled their wheelbarrows back and forth along the hot beach until the seaweed was cleared

Happiness and Suffering

2008-03-09T21:51:00.003-04:00

If the cause of seeing suffering in my world is karmic seeds ripening;And the compassionate actions I take to alleviate that suffering are the cause of karmic seeds to see happiness;Then the result of my right actions will be to see happiness in my world, and the end of all suffering.Then that must mean that:• Those I see suffering may not, from their own side, be suffering; but I see them

The Last Supper

2008-03-07T23:28:00.001-05:00

Tonight was the last night. We went to Zauma’s for a great dinner and some spirited dancing. I have met some amazing people on this trip:Joe, who just discovered the teachings and has dived into them with wonder and appreciation;John, who found romance in Tulum (go John!!); Tracy, who looked her fears of heights, darkness and the ocean in the eye and conquered them; Dawn, full of “vroom” and

A Beautiful Sight

2008-03-07T23:27:00.001-05:00

Today in meditation, I had the experience of rolling with the waves and wind. My body and the winds and waves were one, blanketing the planet from above and below. I saw the world as a ball of light, and all the beings on it as stars, burning brightly like the light of fireflies. There were no wars or starvation or hatred or extremism or brutality – just bright, shining lights, glowing along

Prayers for Free

2008-03-07T23:24:00.002-05:00

This morning I spent over 30 minutes trying to get online to check my email. Oy.From The Buddha:The day is now ended; my life is shorter.How have I lived this day?I resolve to practice with all my heart,So that I may live deeply, as a free person,always aware of impermanence,lest my life drift away meaninglessly.I am of the nature to grow old; there is no way to escape growing old.I am of the

The Gift of Giving

2008-03-06T09:24:00.006-05:00

For the first time here, I had the most tumultuous sleep. I awoke many times. One of the times, the ocean was so loud and angry I felt it would devour me. The sound, which has felt soothing and loving all week, was unbearable. At the same time, I experienced my inner body wanting to escape my outer body. My skin felt like a straightjacket. I stretched against it, flexing my feet and

World Views

2008-03-05T09:00:00.003-05:00

I’ve been having a recurring thought, dream or vision. I see inside my body, and the millions of organisms that make it work – starting with the gross: skin, muscle, tissue, bones, organs, etc., and then getting smaller and smaller, to the millions of cells that make up all of these organs and together make up my blood – each of these with a nucleus doing specific work to create the whole of

Hard Questions

2008-03-05T08:57:00.003-05:00

I talked to Emily, one of Kelly’s teacher-trainees, yesterday about Hitler. I first met Emily on the van from Cancun, and was immediately impressed with her knowledge and gravitas. It is inspiring to see all these young women, many just in their 20s, already immersed in the teachings with their whole lives ahead of them to change the world. She suggested several possibilities for understanding

Thoughts of Nikky

2008-03-05T08:56:00.002-05:00

I find my thoughts turning to Nikky again and again. Having met her in the week after last year’s retreat, my thoughts about my experiences with her became intertwined with my thoughts about what I learned and experienced. I am sadly aware of how little I’ve seen of her in the past few months. The last two times I visited, she wouldn’t get up and leave her room, shaking her head no, no matter

Back In Tulum

2008-03-04T09:12:00.003-05:00

March 4, 2008I woke early - 5:30 AM. The wind was raging outside and the ocean rumbled. I think we had a storm, or at least rain in the night, but I’m not sure. Woke having a dream about Uncle Steve. We were all going out to a place like “The Supper Club,” and I was trying to get him to sing. I had a recording of “You Can’t Take That Away From Me,” and he sang along to it a few times. Of

Opening Portals

2007-07-02T20:03:00.001-04:00

When you watch a movie, there are the main characters, secondary and minor characters, and extras. It is much the same in life. We are the main characters in our lives; we have secondary and minor characters -- people who add color and flavor to our lives but don't really affect the action -- and extras -- the people who are in the background, entering and exiting, moving in and out of our

Blah Blah Blah

2007-06-22T11:27:00.001-04:00

Ruth and Grace have told me from time to time about Nikky's "episodes." They've described how she sometimes comes into the dining room and starts yelling at everyone and telling them to get out. The Nikky I know is sweet and loving, so I hadn't been able to imagine this at all.The other day, I had a glimpse of "bizarro Nikky." When I knocked on the door to her room, she didn't answer, and yet

Unconditional Love

2007-06-16T22:14:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I have posted. Life has been busy, with the end of the school year, and all that is happening with Gas Lamp . We are producing our first full scale summer musical for grades 3 - 8. It is "The Wizard of Oz," and we have 52 children enrolled. We have had auditions for the principal roles, callbacks, ecstatic children and disappointed ones.

Leaving Love

2007-06-04T20:29:00.001-04:00

Last week, I had to take medication for a sinus infection. I'd been battling it for 4 days when I broke down on Tuesday and called my doctor for antibiotics. He prescribed a "Z-pac," with the instructions to take two pills the first day and one a day for the next 3 days. I did as instructed, and also used a nasal inhaler/antihistamine to try to clear my nose.About an hour later, I started to

Sing a Song

2007-05-28T13:57:00.002-04:00

Nikky loves to sing. We started with "You Are My Sunshine," and "Let Me Call You Sweetheart," but we recently branched out into the Great American Songbook. It started one day when we were sitting out on the front porch. I had finished reading two chapters of "The Phantom Tollbooth," and we were sitting quietly enjoying the breeze. Ruth and

Nothing Compares

2007-05-27T22:09:00.001-04:00

Julia is in the hospital. The last time I visited Nikky, Olga told me that an ambulance had come for Julia at 4 AM. Olga didn't know exactly why. I visited Julia on Friday. I wasn't sure of her last name, but patient services helped me figure it out, and Samy and I went up to see her. Julia looked very small in her bed. She has a private room. "It's lonely, she said. "Private rooms aren't

Bones, Bumps & Bruises

2007-05-22T18:01:00.000-04:00

Julia hadn't been able to come to the dining room for meals since last Thursday. While Nikky was getting cleaned up for lunch, I knocked on Julia's door and went in to visit her. Julia's room is so cheery - the light makes the light pink walls glow a soft peach, and her windows look out on the most magnificient magenta rhododendrum, which is in full bloom. Julia looked small in her armchair,

A Glimpse of An Alternate Reality

2007-05-18T23:20:00.001-04:00

My teacher, Jennifer Kohl , just returned from a trip to an orphanage in Equador. The orphanage was "adopted" by my friend and fellow yoga teacher, Denise Brown and her husband Owen. During a community service trip to Equador, they came upon theorphanage in Guayaquil, Equador, where older children who are considered "un-adoptable" live until adulthood. The Browns were so taken by these

Conscious Choices

2007-05-16T16:53:00.001-04:00

Every day we are confronted with millions of choices. How we make a choice, and what we choose, is determined by so many factors -- past experiences, influence of others, our senses, our teachers, peer pressure and other outside influences, etc. It would be naive to think that our choices are ever random or ours alone; all of our life experiences play a part in every choice we make. And each

Point of View

2007-05-16T14:41:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite characters in "The Phantom Tollbooth" is Alec Bing, a boy whose feet are three feet off the ground. Alec thinks that Milo must be very old to have reached the ground already. He is astonished to learn that in Milo's world, people start on the ground and grow up, and never know where their heads will end up until they get to their full height. Alec thinks this is a very silly

Julia

2007-05-08T12:51:00.000-04:00

Julia is new to Walpan; she just moved in on April 30. Before she arrived, her grandson arranged to have her room painted a light, carnation pink and moved all of her furniture in from her prior residence so Walpan would feel like home. Her furniture is upholstered in florals and chintz, with lace doilies on the arms of her chairs and sofas. It is pretty and inviting.Julia has bright blue eyes

Following Your Curriculum

2007-05-07T18:47:00.001-04:00

Ram Dass has a great way of putting things. He says that whatever is going on in our lives -- job; family obligations -- is our "curriculum." And our job is to do the best we can with the most positive attitude we can muster. As in school, not every course is a favorite, but we still give our best effort and try to get that "A." I try to

Frances

2007-05-06T19:22:00.000-04:00

Through March and April, I heard about Frances, but never saw her. She is one of the oldest residents at Walpan and had been taking meals in her room. But on Tuesday, May 1, I came to visit at lunch and Frances was sitting at her table. She is, indeed, very senior, with skin as translucent as rice paper; seemingly no fat content at all, and a strong curvature of the spine. Her hair is pure

Billy

2007-05-06T14:40:00.000-04:00

Billy initially struck me as a grim, cranky woman who did not relate. She wears big, round glasses that are usually cloudy, and her shoulder length hair is streaked with grey and usually matted down. She is often sitting in the hallway when I come, and barely acknowledges me when I say hello. On the first day that I taught chair yoga at Walpan, she came in and stood among the others, but

Wilton

2007-05-06T14:35:00.000-04:00

Wilton is a natty black man who is often up and about Walpan. I'm told that he is a wonderful pianist, but he dismisses that and so far has not agreed to play for me. He used to play for various churches "in the day." But now he mostly sits and looks. In the beginning, I tried to get him to join in a chair yoga class, but he declined. "I've done a lot in my day. I've moved around a lot and

Living in the Moments In-between

2007-05-05T11:03:00.001-04:00

So often, when I go to Walpan, the residents are sitting quietly, either outside if the day is nice, or on chairs and couches in the center hall and living room. Sometimes the T.V. is on, but sometimes there is just quiet. Most of the residents don't interact with each other. They just sit. They are in-between. In-between meals, in-between visitors, or just in-between what their lives were

The Moments In-between

2007-05-05T10:07:00.001-04:00

In meditation, you start by watching your breath go in and out. And when thoughts arise, and you realize you are no longer watching your breath but have been swept away by your thoughts, you gently come back to the breath. It's not that you should stop thinking -- really, you can't (and who would want to) -- it's that by coming back to the

Today's Visit

2007-05-04T19:24:00.001-04:00

I was heading home after dropping Mariel off at her job at the yoga studio and decided, spur of the moment, to go visit Nikky. It was 4:30 and dinner at Walpan is at 5PM. Nikky was in her room, and looked inquisitively at me when she opened the door. "It's me, Nikky, your friend Jessie -- your paysan." "Oh yeah, it's you. I was hoping to see you today." We made our way into the dining room

Peggy

2007-05-04T18:30:00.000-04:00

Peggy is sharp as a tack and as wirey as a hanger. She had a new hairdo today -- her white & gray hair was all curly and wavey against her dark brown skin. "I did it myself," she said proudly when I admired it. Peggy uses a walker to get around. "Not everyone can work these things," she explained when I said Nikky could sure use one of those. She recently moved from the first room on the

Ruth

2007-05-04T17:46:00.000-04:00

Ruth sits at the middle table in the dining room. She is a tall, strong, robust woman who looks like she could have split logs in her youth. Her hair is pure white and her eyes are piercing blue. She has a strong, throaty voice and a hearty laugh. She always wears brightly colored, long, cotton dresses, with flower prints in vibrant colors of purple, periwinkle, or yellow. She grew up in

Richard

2007-05-04T14:43:00.000-04:00

Richard sits at Nikky's table. He is a 72 year old gentleman -- truly. He holds Nikky's chair out for her and helps her get in and out of it. "Do you know this man," Nikky asks me? "Yes, he's a kind, gentle man," I reply. Richard has been living at Walpan for 2 years. His beloved wife, Marilyn, died four years ago, and he still mourns her deeply.

The Many Visits Since

2007-05-04T14:12:00.001-04:00

Since finding Nikky, I have visited her two or three times a week. The first few times followed a familiar pattern. I find her either in the dining room, or in her room. "Who is it," she asks, after I knock on the door? "It's Jessie," I reply. When the door opens, she looks up at me, not knowing who I am. "It's me, Nikky...Jessie," I say. "Remember?" "Oh yes, you're my friend, my good

My First Visit to Walpan

2007-05-04T13:46:00.001-04:00

I think it was Monday, March 12, that I found Nikky. I had just returned on the 10th from a one week retreat in Maya Tulum, Mexico, that had been very transformative. The retreat was led by Kelly Morris , and Alyssa Scheunneman , on the Buddhist concept of emptiness. We had meditated for an hour each day followed by a 3 hour yoga practice (with breakfast inbetween!) Realizing emptiness is

Finding Nikky

2007-05-04T12:41:00.000-04:00

When I first saw Nikky, she was holding onto the street sign on a small traffic island where Freeman Parkway intersects with Bloomfield Avenue. I was driving Mariel and her friend Leah home from school. Something was clearly not right and I stopped the car and got out to ask this little old woman if she was ok. She remembered her first and last names -- Nicolina Catalano -- but that was all